Jokes For All the World to laugh at

Be prepared for a very long post

I get a lot of emails from people i know and quite a few of them are jokes and stuff. so i will share them all with you guys, so that they may spread the joy of laughter to the world



An English doctor was being shown around a Scottish hospital. Near the end of his visit, he saw a ward of patients with no obvious injuries.
He started to examine the first patient, but the man proclaimed:
"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face / Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!"
The doctor, taken aback, moved on to the next patient, who immediately said,
"Some hae meat and canna eat / And some wid eat that want it."
The next patient cried out,
"Wee sleekit coo'rin tim'rous beastie /
O whit a panic's in thy breastie!"
"Well," the English doctor muttered to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."
"Oh, no," said the Scottish doctor. "This is our serious Burns unit!"








These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour
__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
.... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?
____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .
__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
_________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
_________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first







A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes...........BOOM!!!

A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'

'No' replies the old man, 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.

'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'. With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'

'No' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.

'But this is amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!!!!.

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'

'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'

'But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!!!!'

'You look tired my son' said God 'would you like to sit down and rest a while?'

'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you'.

The bomber sits down and God says 'You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?'

'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty, thank you'.

With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts 'Oi', Mohammed, two coffees over here, and make it snappy!!'





Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
"drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
"Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,"
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said

"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,"
and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
"Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied,

"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

Commonwealth Games

As you may know, the East End of Glasgow will be hosting the Commonwealth Games in 2014. What you may not know, is that many aspects of the games have been especially altered to embrace the culture of the area. A copy of these changes has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Commonwealth games Glaswegian competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 Metres Sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 Metres hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc).

Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a Securicor officer. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic pistol, or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.

Boxing - Entry to the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.

Cycling pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft and commence pursuit.

Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

Swimming Events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised. Please note that the synchronised swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool.

The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be found.

Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Dalmarnock, especially anyone who appears to be mincing.


THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Calton Health in the Community anti-drug campaign, synchronised rock throwing and music by The Bridgeton Community Choir. The flame will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused Celtic supporters.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

To guarantee the entry of any athletes at all from the local area, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games.






The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a chee! secake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE, Me for this....

The third piggy says -



"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!




An Aboriginal elder, sat in his humpy eyeing two government officials sent to interview him.

One official said to him, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done." The elder nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute, and then he calmly replied:

"When white man found the land, Aboriginals were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty kangaroo, Plenty fish, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."

Then the elder leaned back and smiled before he added,

"Only white man bloody stupid enough to think he could improve system like that".







Why Men Are Not Allowed to Write Advice Columns

Walter's Problem Page


Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more
than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the
car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of
the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he
was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my
Lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked
him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing
my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but
ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk

..........................................

Dear Sheila:


A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips
holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Tommy cooper selection!!

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
"No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night






Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!


A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . .. The part about her
being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'





A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the
motorway.
You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something
happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your w1lly was chopped
off in
the crash and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000
compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you
a
new w1lly that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact.
But
the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many
inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I
mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a
nine
inch she
might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you
decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be
disappointed.

So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the
decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back
the

next day.

'So,' asks the doctor, 'Have you spoken with your wife?

'I have,' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has,' says the bloke.

"And what is it?' asks the doctor. . . . . . . ..

'We're having a new kitchen.'







Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer
When he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man,
Clutching a clip board and yelling,
'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese
Man starts to yell louder,
'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man',
And shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck
of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the
Little Chinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then
he
slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon,
he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man
thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the
Little man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the
wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard,
and says:

(It's a beauty)

(Wait for it)

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

Just before the funeral
services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old
was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96,"
the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you
can hide your own Easter eggs

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass
surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts
with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I
still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally
out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start
exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got
my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her
will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?"
the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me
twice a week "

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till
the wrinkles fill out.

I'm getting into
swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to
swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same
noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about
half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise
video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot
Flashes.. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get
you down. It's too hard to get back up!

Remember: You don't stop laughing because
you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones
I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.






Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the
woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think






They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services


The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'

The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not come this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to many in the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

& Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Pastor Updyke unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday with the slogan: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours”.







Clean can be funny.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you
want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
the other is a husband.




*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed
him a card with the letters


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of
chardonay.




********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly,
her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in
some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I
said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always
forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife
stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't
know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just
wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On
his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the
Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army
issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51
years.







joke of the day.


After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and
he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

" Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear
God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over
and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one
look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f**king Pope as a chauffeur!!"









A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He
slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife."Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I
think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk







There were these two guys at the pub, and one guy said to the other,
''Let's go downtown and get a couple of girls!'' So they went downtown that
night, but the girls they found thought they were sleazy and decided to
play a trick on them by slipping out and sticking blow-up dolls in the
beds.

The next morning one of the guys said, ''I think my girl was dead, because
she didn't grunt or groan when we were having sex last night.'' The other
guy said, ''I think my girl was a witch, because when I bit her on the tit
she hissed and flew away....''







Male/female differences......


NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each
other
Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each
other as Fat Boy,
Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20,
even
athough it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A
man would not be able to identify more than 20 of
these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she

does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods,
secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same
thing.

Q. How do you get a blonde on the roof

A. Tell her the drinks are on the house

---------------------------------------

Q. How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax

A. It has a stamp on it.

--------------------------------------

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using you computer

A. There is Tipp-Ex all over the Screen.

-------------------------------------
Q What do smart blondes and U f O'S have in common.

AYou always hear about them but you never see them.

------------------------------------------
Q Why did the blonde stare at a carton of orange juice.

A Because it said concentrate.

------------------------------------------------

QWhy do blondes always smile during lightning storms.

A They think their picture is being taken.








Billy Connolly's take on the terrorists hitting Glasgow


"Good old Glasgow. If I had to pick a city in the
world where I could depend on one of the locals to
kick a man who was on fire, it would always be
Glasgow. That really had to hurt - 90% burns and sore
bollocks...


I think we should get a photo of that guy KICKING A
FLAMING MAN, blow it up and make it the welcome sign
at Glasgow Airport. Underneath we should have the
words 'Glasgow Welcomes Careful Drivers'...

I love the naivety of al-Qaeda. For trying to bring a
religious war to Glasgow. You're 400 years too late
guys!! You've not even got a Football Team for Christ's
sake... I think that we should give Partick Thistle to
al-Qaeda. If only for the joy of hearing them read out
their team sheet on Saturday...


The Sun last week urged us all to respond to the
attack by flying the Union Jack. Really, in Glasgow
that's never been a great way of getting your
insurance premiums down...


If we play this whole terrorism thing right, we could
get al-Qaeda to blow up some of Scotland's eyesores. I
think we should definitely start putting signs up
round Shettleston's high flats that say 'Financial
Quarter'...

For a while, confusion reigned at Glasgow airport. Was
it a terrorist attack or just Richard Hammond turning
up late for check-in?

People say it was lucky they didn't crash into a fuel
container. I say it's lucky they didn't hit the queue
coming out of Duty Free - the whole place would have
gone up like Hiroshima...


The best bit is being told that hundreds of people
were saved from being hideously burnt...these were
Scottish people flying to Spain! They'll come back
looking like they've been bungee jumping off the lip
of a volcano!"







well, what would you do?



4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young
blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.


It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark
there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from
the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red
mark on his cheek.



The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark
and she slapped him"


The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me
in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"



The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the
dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"



The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I
can slap that French twat again





True Scottish

Being Scottish is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or ,aTurkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most Scottish thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Scotland can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Scotland do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Sotland do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Scotland do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Scotland do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Scotland do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Scotland are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION..

3 Scots die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Scots were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Scots are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Scots have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Scots have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

Scottish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Scots had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Scots were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Scots were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

and finally...

In 2000 eight Scots were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.








A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He

looks

into his small bowl.
It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.Daddy Bear
arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his

big

bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?"he
roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and

yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this
with

you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and
put

everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to
fetch
the

newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's
litter

tray,
gave them their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs
and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
because

I'm
only going to say this once....
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"







The Silent Treatment



A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each
other the
silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next
day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning
business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on
a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would
find
it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00
AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove
down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws


WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with
me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."






UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at
the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she
fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Being Scottish

you know that you are Scottish
or have a Scottish background when you,
No1. can pronounce the words,
McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie (Milnguy), Sauchiehall, St Enoch,
Auchtermuchty an Aufurfuksake.
No2. Ye actuly like deep fried pizza fae the
chippy.
No3. Ye get four season in wan day.
No4. Ye canny pass a
chippy/kibab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootered.
No5. Ye kin faw aboot
pished withoot spilling yer drink.
No6. Ye see folk in shell suits wi
burberry accessories an think....pure class.
No7. Ye measure distances in
minutes.
No8. Ye kin unnerstaun Rab C Nesbet an ken characters jist like him
in yer ain famely.
No9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think yer gaun tae the
ocean.
No10. Ye kin make hale sentences wi jist sweer wurds.
No11. Ye ken
whits haggis made wi an stull like it.
No12. Sumdae ye ken uses a fitba
schedule tae plan the weddin day.
No13. Yeve been tae a weddin an the fitba
scores are gein oot at the chapel/church.
No14. Yer no surprised tae find
curries, fish suppers, pizzas, kebabs, irn-bru, fags an nappies in the wan
shop.
No15. Yer holiday hame at the seaside his calor gas unner it.
No16.
Ye ken irn-bru is a hingo'er cure.
No17. Ye learn sweer wurds afore ye learn
tae dae yir sums.
No18. Ye actulyunnerstaun this an yir gonnae ge it tae yir
pals.
Finally you're 100% Scottish if you have used or heard these
words,
hows it hingin, clarty, boggin, cludgie, pished, git-it-upye, wee
beasties, (edited - rude in any language, you should have yours skelpt for using
it!) amurny, away an bile yir heid, pelly wally, humphey-backitt, ba'heid,
bawbag, dubble nuggit.
A wee Glesca wummin goes intae a butchers shop, where
the butcher has jist came oot o the freezer an is staunin wi his hauns ahint his
back wi his rear end aimed at the lectric fire. The wee wummin checks oot the
display case an then asks the butcher, is that yer ayrshire bacin. The butcher
replies naw it's jist ma hauns am heating. Read and understand all of this and
you have passed the exam for higher
Scottish.





All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make
the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit
more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:

(1) On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort
and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

(2) On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your
belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something
we'd like to have."

(3) "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways to leave the aircraft."

(4) As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

(5) After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as f*** everything has shifted."

(6) From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight X to Y. To
operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

(7) "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with
more than one small child, pick your favourite.

( "Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas
Airlines."

(9) "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
with our compliments."

(10) Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Hobart: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite bumpy and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"

(11) Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

(12) An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United.
"He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

(13) After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal."

(14) Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised
metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."

(15) A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - SHIT! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me
a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing.
He should see the back of mine!"





What do you call a Glaswegian dwarf that falls into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man

Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow?
They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.

What do you call a Glaswegian who has small feet?
Wee Shooey.

What do you call a Glaswegian who has small feet and can't find his dog?
Wee Shooey Douglas.

A Glaswegian walks into a GP's surgery. "Doctor , Doctor! He cries,"You've got to help me, I feel like I'm turning into coconut"
The doctor says "You're bountae "

What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow
A bat in the mouth.

There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays?
The wan wi a wee calf.

What do you call an illegitimate insect?
A fly b*stard.

Hear about the lonely Glaswegian prisoner?
He was in his cell.

What famous costume drama TV series of the 1970's was named after a queue for the toilet?
The Aw' Needin Line.

The Glaswegian in the clothes shop insisted on a maroon jacket. "Fur ma roon shooders"

Hear about the stupit skindiver?
He didny have a scuba.

Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the Glasgow Mafia?
Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Glaswegian social worker?
Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler

What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karaoke?
Gupty Singh






a bit insulting but funny...How Many Students Does It Take To
Change a Light Bulb?

Glasgow Uni - Seventy-six - one to change the light bulb, fifty to
protest the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to
hold counter protest.

Strathclyde - Five - one to design a nuclear powered one that
never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of
Scotland using that nuked light bulb, two to install it, and one
to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.

Caledonian - Seven - one to change the light bulb and six to throw
a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.

Edinburgh - One - he holds the bulb and the world revolves around
him.

St Andrews - Five - one to arrange the party, two to co-ordinate
the press, one to call the electrician, and one to get daddy to
pay for it all.

Herriot Watt - Three - one to change it and two to figure out how
to get high off the old one.

Napier - Only one, but he gets 10 course credits for it.

Dundee - Ten - one to buy and fit the bulb, and nine to petition
for the electrification of Dundee.

Aberdeen - Two - One to change the light bulb and one to crack
under the pressure.

Stirling - None - Stirling looks better in the dark. (hee hee!)

RSAMD - Five - one to change the bulb and four to do an
interpretive dance about it.






How temperature affects the mind....



40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees - Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on shorts and a T-shirt.

15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barbi before it gets cold.

-10 degrees - People in Miami are
extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets cold enough.

-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland get angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky.

-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? "

-500
degrees - Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup!




I know that that took a while but i was trawling through several hundred emails hope you enjoyed reading them

** SPAM **


^^